confusion. questions. ambiguity.

so, yeah, i know i made a mistake again. i always did. it's not new to me. blame me. go on. i'd take it. no hurt feelings.

before, every time i close my eyes, i felt my chest cavity tightens. i felt empty. it's not a secret. i can lie to every one but not to myself. i felt ashamed for having a weak heart. but then, how would deal with it-- i don't really know. the fact that i should learn to live in this kind of situation made me feel worse. i hardly know what to do. i felt worse as each day pass-- bitter. it's tragic.

nothing seems to be alright. everything spins around my head. like a roller coaster ride. i fear almost everything. every morning is a torture. every day is hell. everything is unclear. bizarre. my future seemed to be so dark.

i knew nothing. i felt betrayed. like an acid poured on a bleeding heart, i felt weak. useless. usurped of my own strength. i once had it all--but i also lost it all, in a blink of an eye. like a bullet train. like a thunder. it hit me strong. i was stuck in my past.

but realization hit me. back to my composure ( i never thought i'd be able to do it). it was hard but it's the only way to save my soul. my heart. myself. i thought it was not possible but i was proven wrong. yeah, it was not easy but it's possible.

i was able to stand on my feet again. strong. nothing seem to be daunting. every thing is perfect. or seemed to be perfect.

but should i say that i was wrong again? here you are. confusing me all over again. i really don't know what is it with you. i don't know if i should believe you. after every thing that had happened, i really couldn't understand everything. back to zero. naught. 

to my dismay, i could not decide. they'd say i should stop pretending i am ok when i'm not. they'd tell me every now and then to give everything a chance. someone would always tell me to give it one more shot. cause friendship is something i should treasure.

but what should i do? forgiving is an easy thing to do. but forgetting? huh! 

remember maya? remember the days when we'd talk bout her? remember how u once told me HISTORY WON'T REPEAT ITSELF AGAIN? remember what you've promised me before?

it sucks! but i could still remember everything. i didn't feel betrayed. i was hurt. i am hurt. and worse, i couldn't forget it-- i couldn't forget the pain. and who caused it. 

well, here i am again. sabi ko nga, back to ZERO. it's like 'game over'. play it all over again. but this is what bothers me: can i still play the same old game again knowing the fact that in the end, i will just lose? or take it that i may not lose, but would you still let me play something you know will cause heartaches and leave sad memories? my mind says, GAME OVER. STOP IT! YOU ARE NOT STUPID TO DANCE WITH FIRE AGAIN. but my heart says the opposite. my heart says forgive and forget. my heart says, 'this is life. it has it's downfalls'. my heart says 'life's not just about laughing and being happy but it is also about crying and getting your heart broken'. 

well, if ever we never speak again after this, please know that I’m forever changed because of you and what you’ve done to me. what you taught me. 

thank you.


[a letter to someone i once knew. i miss this person. but memories are all that's left between us now. sayonara].