Taking one step forward after FIVE long years

I’m beginning to see the light. Realizations. Realizations. Realizations. I know, i have to make a move before I get drown.

LOVE left me after more than 5 years of struggling—of pain. It all begun one sunny afternoon. I knew all the risks and I took ‘em. Knowing that I could never suppress what I was feeling then. It was young love. Infatuation they say, but for me, it’s true love. For more than five years, I loved him. And for more than five years, everyday, I taste the pain. It is bittersweet. But it’s addicting. I never regretted loving him in the first place. It was my choice. I chose to continue loving him in silence. They say, it was not worth it. But I don’t care. My choice—my decision made me happy. And I’ve never felt such happiness before.

FIVE LONG YEARS—sayang? Well, not really. The fact that I felt loved and I learned that I know how to love—it’s enough.

To YOU: thank you so much for everything. For the love you’ve shown (platonic love); for the patience; for the care; for understanding me and my tantrums; for being my shoulder to cry on; for being my partner-in-crime; for being my knight in shining armor; for being my light in the dark; for being my confidant. Thank you for being you, for showing me who you really are. Thank you for keeping my secrets. Thank you for being my skeleton—my support when I felt so weak. Thank you for the encouragement – for telling me that I can always do better.

Most importantly, thank you because I’ve learned how it is to love. Thank you because I forgot how it was to hate when I drown in my love for you. Thank you for being you. ;)

my baby, my ANGEL-- li'l Zamzam

ok, so i'm missing him already. and too bad, i could do nothing at all. i'm getting tooo emotional when he becomes the topic of our (me and my sis's) conversation. see, he had been with us when he was barely four months old (FEBRUARY 2010). My elder sister who is based in Qatar came for a visit. We were all excited that time cause it'd be the first time we're going to see her with her family (she has 3 kids already at that time). I was in Iligan City when they arrived (i have a class). I saw my sister 2 days after when they visited me. I was so happy. Nothing could ever describe what i felt during those times. i attend classes. i studied the lectures. i participated in our PBL discussions. I was inspired.

i couldn't content my excitement as each day passes. Weekend came, time to go home. at last, i saw them. Those three li'l angels. i got closer to the eldest first, FAADEL. then to him, my li'l ZAMZAM. He is sooo cute. He has this very, very cute eyes you'll never forget.

He has become my inspiration. to be good. to do good. The best part of the week is every Friday, when the bell rings! I cant wait to go home. to see him. he grew with us. There are times that i'd get sooo fed up because he's sooo naughty. but getting mad is very impossible. cause he has this way of making you smile every now and then. He has this way of making you happy when everything seem to be so messed up.

Here's the exciting part: the time he's learned to speak. Funny is, he can't pronounce the letters M, B, P W, and S. Instead of Mama, he'd say NANA. Instead of Bapa, he'd say BABA. Instead of Salma, he'd say ALNA. Instead of wewe (my sis n-name), he'd say YEYE. and instead of Tita Baby/Bebe, he'd say TITA DEDE.

Not to brag and not because i am his aunt am i saying this. but i am amazed on how he could easily memorize or familiarize things. He was barely one year old when my older sis taught him the part of his face (eyes, ears, nose and all). and he could easily point them! I also taught him some funny dance steps (see, i don't know how to dance), and he had memorized it so easily. we made it like, this song for a particular step and he never get mistaken. Our 'SAYAW-SAYAW, NAM-NAM' steps was one of the highlights during his first birthday because he gamely danced for his guests.

he was barely four months old here (February 2010) . look at those big round eyes.. so cute ehh.

This was during my cousin's wedding (July 30, 2011). See how big he has become. He's almost 2 years old.

i think, imma end it here muna. still need to do lotsa things.

For this boy, this ANGEL of MINE-- i love you so much and i miss you so bad. i'd be waiting for you dear one. i love you and forever, i will.

my little angel

my little angel, Zamzamin. he was barely 4 months in this picture. now, he's a big boy. still, a baby to me. an angel.

see how big he has become now :

well, he's such an angel. so sweet.. so thoughtful.

hayst. gonna miss this kid. this baby sooo much. :(

REALIZATIONS

It’s 3:42 pm, August 04 2011. Just saw the result of our OB-GYNE Module II exam. And yeah, as expected, I failed. Well, i wouldn’t say that i’m not hurt cause i effin’ am. Haha. What i’m showing is more of a fake emotion (or am I?). well, i didn’t smile nor frown. Flat-affect. That’s it! NO EMOTION at all. Been sick for few days now. Been thinking of lotsa things for weeks now. Been preparing myself for weeks now. Heck, i forgot my academics. Then, there i go, doing a last minute studying; gulping every ounce of black coffee (which i’m not used to) at Dunkin Donuts, skipping meals and trying to read the 2 OB-Gyne books for some 3-4 consecutive overnights. And the result, RACOON EYES, FEVER, CHILLS, TENSION HEADACHE, GERD ATTACKS (almost every time i eat) and FAILING EXAM!

I am not gonna blame anyone for my mishap. It’s no one’s fault. Not mine. Not anyone else’s. There’s a reason. and i think, it’s one of God’s way of telling me to learn how to prioritize things. FIRST THING FIRST. Hayst.

Well, anyways, i’d be deactivating my FB accounts tomorrow. FRIDAY. Greatest distraction ever. FOCUS, this time around, that’s what i’m gonna do. Hopefully, i could do better next time. InshaAllah.

So til here. Zoom zoom!