MONSTER arrived

Oh yeah. And here comes the monster. I was actually studying downstair-- even prepared a cupt of BLACK COFFEE when he arrived. arggggghhh. I hate. I hate. I hate. How can't I? I was sooo serious cause I wanna finish AT LEAST 50 pages today but the heck-- it'd be impossible now. Here I am, in my room disgusted! YUCCCCCCKKKSS!

Why? Why? Can't you just leave and go play POKER all night? hahayst. I HATE. Worse, the internet connection here has been way too SLOW. arghhhh! I can't post or update my blogs. namaaaan. LUMAYAS na PO KAYO, pwede? MAAWA na PO KAYO sa ESTUDYANTE na GUSTONG MAG-ARAL ng MATINO. naman..

SICK and TIRED.

I totally don’t feel good right now. Body pain, sore throat, rhinorrhea, and fever. Yikes! We have exams. One, this Friday for our laboratory and the other one, our modular, this Tuesday (December 6). BAD. I can’t study well. I always feel sooo weak that I always end up sleeping when I’m reading my books. What the Hell am I gonna do now? I feel so stupid and worthless. I badly wanna study. I badly wanna finish reading that book. Yikes! This is getting worse. I WANNA STUDY! HELPPPPPPP L

NO, I am NOT.

What am I gonna blabber here today? Ahmm. It’s some kinda sensitive but I think it’s the best time I air my side about it—so that they will stop asking me or accusing me about it. SORRY. But NO, I am not a LESBIAN or TOMBOY.

Few years back, someone asked me that if I would given a chance, would I hook up with a girl—girl-girl relationship. And I was like ‘what the hell are you talking about?’ See, when I was in Highschool, my batch mates see me as ‘ASTIG’ cause of the way I walk. They see me as Boyish. This got worse when boy after boy who courted me got dumped. Who wouldn’t? They just do it for the purpose of proving them they are right. Who wouldn’t? They were some pack of assholes looking for a fling. Who wouldn’t? They were some boys who knew nothing but relationships. Who wouldn’t? When they were nothing but some stupid guys who took their studies for granted—who’d rather stay out of the class room and spent their time puffing cigarettes or eating or flirting with some other girls.
Okay, I was really not into relationships. IF i’d be asked to choose between some serious girl-boy relationship and friendship, I’d choose the latter. Yeah, I’m no girlfriend material. I see boys only as a FRIEND or BROTHER. Why? I have only one big brother and one younger brother—our youngest actually. And I am close to both of them. See, nine girls and 2 boys. I wanted a brother soooo much. Way too much that ‘others’ see me as abnormal. I treated almost every guy I met as my brother. My mother knows that. In fact, during our CAT (ROTC) practices/classes, every break, my mother would give me an extra snack so that I could share them with my boys classmates. Yeah, she did that—almost all of the time. Because she trusts me. Because she knew that BOYS have no appeal that much to me; that i am no grab-the-chances-to-have-a-relationship when courted.

Going back to the way I walk. YEAH. I know it. The way I walk is odd. But does it matter? For someone who grew up playing softball, for someone who grew up wearing sneakers, for someone who grew up wearing jumpers/jumpsuit, what would you expect of me? No, I don’t play volleyball. And yeah, I play Basketball. BOYS GAMES eh? But then, SO WHAT? Does that make me a LESBIAN? And second thing is, I’m only in my High School years. You wouldn’t expect me to wear make-up, stilettos or wedges and sexy long dresses, right? In fact, they were not in the trend before. Cause what’s new before was the bootleg cut pants that makes you look like you are cleaning/sweeping the floor. (anyways, let’s thank those who made those kind of pants. They made daily cleaning easy. They made my HS life easier- way easier.).
FIRST TWO YEARS of my COLLEGE LIFE, whenever I pass by with an EX close friend, people think differently. Ad I don’t know why. I don’t show PDA’s whatever you call that for them to think that way. I really don’t know. Was it the spark in my eyes or the smile painted on my lips? I really don’t know and I really don’t care.

THIRD YEAR COLLEGE. AT last, people think differently. But it wasn’t at all good. Because I got close to one of these guys in our department—now they think of me as a SLUT trying to seduce him. Oh come on. What the heck do you people want me to do? When I was close with a girl, you’ll think of me as a lesbian. When I got close to a guy- a SLUT. And you don’t want me to be close to some gay either because you’d always say it’s against our religion—that it’s not right. What is RIGHT then? That you see me live my life in ISOLATION? I can’t live my life the way you wanted me to be. I tried my best-est to live it in a way that i could make you all happy—in a way that I could make you all get satisfied but i always FAIL. Yeah. FAIL. ALWAYS. I never thought then that one could never satisfy everybody. And that was ONE GREAT MISTAKE. CAUSE i let all your comments affect me—way too much I almost took my life.

Okay. I’m no longer a tomboy/lesbian. But I became a BITCH came college life. How it happened, I really don’t know. It sucks to always try my best to belong. It SUCKS to always try everything to make everybody happy and satisfied. And it SUCKS more that I did that all to satisfy you all—taking for granted my life—my happiness.

And now, I am in my postgrad. MEDICINE LIFE. I’ve met a very good friend before college graduation. BESTEST friends—we WERE. But I don’t know why I let all those things happen again. I don’t wanna believe that HISTORY REPEATS itself—that LIFE is a CYCLE. No. I don’t. Okay, so here goes another problem again. Well, it’s not really a problem—but other people think that it is. I don’t really wanna think about it but people are just so lousy loser—they’re just sooo narrow-minded that I wanna slap them all to make them realize everything. Well, what’s wrong with being sooo close with your bestfriend? What’s wrong with treating her like your own sister? I could hardly understand other people nowadays. They blabber way too much. The make fun of others. They criticize others. Like, ‘what the hell?’. They don’t even look at themselves first. The kept on judging and judging and judging. They kept on putting someone down. DUH!

I just don’t wanna think about this stuff again anymore. I am sure I am not a BI or a LESBIAN. YUCKS! I’ve fallen, got hurt. Fell again and got hurt again. But I kept on loving that GUY until February 14 of this year. Oh, alright. I got tired. My heart got tired. No more heartache because of him. Not at all worth it. Okay?

I just hope and pray that you people stop from judging. Open your mind yo! Don’t be too narrow-minded. Don’t think as if you know everything.. and that what you know is right. You don’t know how you hurt others just by your ridiculous comments. You don’t know how you affect others because of your irresponsible and irrational REMARKS. STOP JUDGING. STOP being BIAS. Look at yourself first.

LAZY-ing

LAZY. LAZY. LAZY me.

Been listening to music for the past 3 hours—not doing a thing. Just lying here trying to memorize all these songs—especially LOOK AT ME NOW (JAP’s version).

Here are the songs that are on my playlist right now:

SKYSCRAPER (Boyce Avenue’s Cover. With Megan Nicole)

SHE WILL BE LOVED (Boyce Avenue and Tiffany Alvord)

LOOK AT ME NOW (JAPS)

IF I WERE A BOY (CONOR MAYNARD)

LIPSTICK (Elise Estrada)

COMO AMOR (Megan Nicole)

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES (Fallout Boys)

WE BELONG TOGETHER (Mariah Carey)

ANGELS CRY (Mariah Carey)

COME ON (Ben Jelen)

That’s all for now. Zoom zoom :P