2 years had passed and everything seems to be perfect. I am already a third year Med Student-- survived the first 2 years of MED life already. I was happy. LIFE's been good to me. I always get what i want and i believe that i deserve all of 'em. EXCEPT of course for HEART MATTERS.. eii, i am never lucky when it comes to that thing.
ahmmm.. so, straight to what i wanna blabber here. I am hurt. BADLY. i am BADLY BRUISED. my HEART's broken again for reason i could hardly fathom.
NEUROLOGY MODULE EXAM will be on Monday, September 19 of this year. This Module is just one of the hardest modules here in our college. So, knowing that fact, we were all trying our best to study--to do good, if not, better. For these past few days, I was able to concentrate and study. i got to read almost 50% of the Neuroanatomy book we were asked to read. I was happy. I was enjoying my study. The AGUSTERO TWINS-- Papa Jarred and Jinu Bibi, and Mama Sheng were there, helping me. I was proud, of course. Three consecutive overnights. It feels good. I never thought i COULD ACTUALLY STUDY THAT HARD. The feeling-- it's overwhelming.
Everything was planned this week. everything was scheduled. But then, on the supposedly FOURTH DAY of STUDYING, something happened. It's not good you know.
Imma pour my everything in here. so this is what happened that day: Monday, we don't have a class. I went to the library to renew the book i borrowed (that was after the meeting with some of the senior clerks was over). then went to papa jarred's place. I actually told them that i'm gonna stay there again for that night to study (i can't study at my boarding house cause i always end up sleeping or FB-ing). I left my book in their place, and told them i'd be back later that afternoon. I went home, turned on my CUBEE (my netbook) and went OL. It was around 330 in the afternoon. By 4, i felt sleepy so i slept.
The vibration of my phone woke me up (I had it in a silent mode, so whenever i receive messages, it'll just vibrate). Half-awake, i took my phone and read the message. The first MESSAGE was more of an ACCUSATION rather than CLARIFICATION. The SECOND ONE, well you'd easily know that the one who sent it is ANGRY. all characters were in CAPITAL LETTERS.. and all ends with -!!- I was shocked of course. I don't know what was happening. I tried to call him to ask him what happened, but he won't answer my calls. instead, he texted me this: "Don't bother! I'm not in the mood!"
It sucks you know. i didn't know a thing. I tried to clarify things but poor me, naught! FB chat, found out happened. But I'm sorry, i'm not gonna jump into conclusion. i didn't know yet the story of the other party. then, i asked for this girl's number just so i could fix 'THEM', just so i could clear HIS NAME..
Calling the girl, it was hard you know. Calling someone you don't know-- trying to fix something you have nothing to do with. I still believe i didn't do anything wrong. It hurts. It effin hurts. I actually don't wanna do it but for his happiness, i DID. FOR HIM, I DID.. i would wanna celebrate that time-- it should be a good news to me.. but i couldn't. I can't be SELFISH. I AM NOT SELFISH. I DON'T WANNA BE SELFISH. so though it hurts, though i don't want to do it, i DID. Dialed her number and called her. Asking, pleading to give him another chance. yeah, I PLEAD (not soo me). I begged. so hard. after the call, i texted her and pleaded some more to give him another chance. good thing (or bad thing?), she did give him a chance.
after that, it all came into me. i shouldn't have done that. i lost my respect to myself. i felt self-pity engulfed me li'l by li'l.. i cried soo hard after. i didn't know what to do. then i read all their messages again. and i got more hurt. How could i allow someone to treat me like that? how could i let someone do things my parents never did to me? how could i let someone lower my respect for myself? SELF-PITY, i cried even more.
I was thinking that if during that time, i was in front of him, he could've kill me. His anger could've kill me. it sucks. It hurts. but there's nothing else that i could do bout it. It's done. I can't rewind it.
Because of love, i let someone put me down. because of love, i lost my sanity, let things like that happen. and it's not at all GOOD. I put on soo much effort for it.
I'm sorry but i have to do this. it's not good that i love someone more than how i love myself. it's not good that i suffer because of this. i'm back to that old habit again after 2 years. it's not good you know. This love i've known.. This love I've taken cared of for almost 5 years-- it's of no good to me. It's making me bad.
Drew THIN RED LINES. PRESSED the BLADE deeper. It's never good. I'm hurting until now. Hurting way too much. You never saw the good in me.
you know what, no matter how someone loves you, that person gets tired too. I am no robot. i have a heart. I also bleed. I love you but you've taken it for granted. you know that.
Di naman siguro por que alam mo na di ka matitiis ng tao, pwede mo ng gawin lahat, thinking that at the end of the day, because of that person's love to you, tatanggapin ka pa din nya. napapgod din ang puso.
I've looked past all your liabilities and downfalls. I've looked past your not-so-good attitude. I've accepted you for who you are. I've loved you more than anything else in this world. I've loved you-- and everything about you. but you took everything for granted. NOT WORTH it, eh? so, be it.
thank you anyway. SORRY is never enough. It's always like that. Di kita matiis kaya patatawarin na lang. Di kita matiis kaya hahayaan na lang. ganyan dati. pero ngayon, titiisin kita hanggang makita mo pagmamahal sa sarili mo. Titiisin kita dahil mahal ko sarili ko. Titiisin kita dahil ayokong mamatay because of this love i have for you. Titiisin kita hanggang sa malaman mo ang halaga mo sa akin.. at malaman mo halaga ng sarili mo sa buhay mo. Mhal kita. lagi ko namang sinasabi yun. sabi ko nga nun, kalimutan mo na lahat but not that. yun pa din yun hanggang ngayon. kaya ko to ginagawa.
SORRY? say sorry to yourself. forgive yourself. hanapin mo sarili mo. pag nangyari yun, i'd be happy. I'd be happy.
in.chik ;(
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