I'm sorry, I LOVED YOU.

This will be some kinda long entry. I’m hurt and I wanna blabber tonight. Just this night. Forget about the Palakasan. Forget about the outreach programs and the victims of the Typhoon Sendong. Forget about the things that had happened the past few days! I just feel miserable today that I even wanted to forget him and everything about him. HIM. Mr. C. Second.

Today could have been good if only that thing didn’t happen. I just wanna scream out loud and cry. It actually sucks to feel this thing. It’s not good you know. But I know that these are my entire fault. Not him. Not anybody else. I know months before that I’m just gonna hurt myself if I continue loving him. But what can I do? I just can’t suppress the feeling. I can’t stop my heart from beating.

I should have stopped months before. I know my place. I should have just heed what my head was telling me. But I don’t know what kept me going. The purity of my intention? Of my heart? The feeling of happiness whenever he’s around? The feeling of having someone to love? I really don’t know. But yes, I am happy whenever he’s near. Just the thought of him makes me smile. Stupid eh? But can I blame myself? Sorry, but no I won’t. I am not desperate looking for someone to love cause I believe that everyone around me is worth all the love in this is never a part of my priorities. Falling in love is never on my list. But I did. After a very long time. I am not in despair. I never was.

Anyways, I get hurt almost every day. I never liked the feeling. Who would wanna get hurt? Yes, i became happy every time I see him. But that happiness is always –ALWAYS- accompanied by sadness ad heartaches. I could feel the pain pierce through my very being. But I couldn’t stop the overflowing emotion I had for him. Yeah. It’s weird. Cause I always felt like I’m always in control of everything—including my emotions. But I was wrong. Don’t hate me for being such a weakling—a chicken shit. You don’t know what I’m feeling. You don’t know what I went through. I cannot say I will stop this. I wanted to but I know I can’t. I will try. But I won’t force myself. Cause I don’t wanna hurt myself. I will try. I will try. Sooner, I’d be over him. The way that i got over #BigLetter. Sooner. But for now, I will let my heart love him. I will let my heart feel all the pain—accept all the heartaches. Til I couldn’t take it anymore. Til I get numb. Til my heart says ‘it’s over. And it’s time to move on’. Til I find myself getting used to being alone.

Mr. C, I know it's not right. I'm sorry, I loved you.